The Curators
Creature Location: The swampy lagoons of the Everglades
Basic Description: An amphibious creature of small to medium size which spends its days eating small insects and fleeing from tourists.
Likes: Pretending to be a log, warm sunlight, Cozy algae-laced sweaters, Chibi Manga, being underestimated, heartfelt compliments.
Dislikes: Being commercialized, clear waters, noisy bullies, speaking in front of the class.
Resource of Interest: Driftwood logs from the lagoons outside Miami in which it lives.
The Cryptid Resource
The life of the cryptid known only as The Muck Monster is, we are sorry to report to our dear sisters, a terribly tragic and demeaning one. Too famous for its own good, the Muck Monster is a victim of commercialism gone rampant and overexposure to the highest degree. It has seen its image plastered on T-Shirts, water bottles, mugs, hats, socks, coasters, beer cozies, keychains, bumper stickers, and more. One must assume that the artist’s renditions of its log head and bold, capitalized letters proclaiming “I BELIEVE IN THE MUCK MONSTER” would cause the poor creature to feel like a laughingstock. Its shame permeates the lagoon in which it lives, conveying special powers upon the natural items there, in particular driftwood logs that are its only disguise.
With the logs sourced from this pond, there is an energy and a spiritual connection with this monster. From these logs we may tap into the potential power of the cryptid and form a psychic link. This monster embodies our internal fears, self-loathing, public embarrassment and over-exposure. These feelings that haunt us can be extracted given the right connection to the monster. That’s where the logs come in.
By crafting a totem of the monster from its enchanted logs, you, our darling reader, can channel your own fears and feelings of victimization into the monster itself. This will leave you with reduced feelings of embarrassment, comfort in your body and most importantly, a thriving and powerful sense of self-love.
THe Quest
While Gemini and I have yet to make direct contact with the monster, we have seen the powerful effects of its magik. The following is a story relayed to us in our latest coven meeting in the magical temple of Orlando. The powers of the Muck Monster and its love totem were shared with us by a wood witch named Cleopatra Rex.
... Excerpt from the florida Witches Coven convention (Dec. 1998) Cleopatra Rex speaking...
So let me tell you the story of how I first met the Muck Monster.
I was about to begin my Dawn Moonrise ritual for the protection enchantment I keep on the local parks, to preserve the natural essence of the marsh alive near those concrete amusement fortresses. You know those gaudy commercial parks just off the highway nearby. I could just burn them all to the ground if there wouldn’t be the risk of so many…casualties.
Anyways I was stepping out of my car on the side of the road and beginning to disrobe to link my spirit to the life-spirit of the marsh. The night was still and dark before the new moon began to rise and the stars were so beautiful. The frogs were chirping a chorus to celebrate my arrival and many of the nasty beasts had all went to sleep for the night so I had no fear of scaly reptiles intruding upon my leisure time. As I marched across the roots of the grove toward the marsh’s edge I covered myself to my waist with the mud. I then began to wade into the waters, wrapping my pack of goods and components around my shoulders and trusting my magical amulet to protect me from any gators or snapping turtles laying in the shadows. As I reached the end of the marsh, my feet were sinking fully into the marsh mud with every step and the water was up to my breast.
I arrived at my destination just in time before the moonrise. As I opened my bag to ready the sacrifice I see what looks like a log moving towards me at a rapid clip. I tried to ignore it but it seemed to be aiming directly at me. As it drew near, I felt a warm, slick amphibian like creature dart between my legs before it grabbed a hold of my bag and dragged me through the water. It pulled me for what felt like 100ft before it slowed down and I was able to re-anchor my feet in the mud. I held the bag tightly and stopped the beast in it’s tracks, at which point it turned to face me, looking rather scared. In this moment, I knew the creature had no desire to hurt me and instead all it really needs is some love.
I lower myself and coo to the monster. I began to recite my spell of self empowerment to it and it loosened its grip on my bag. As I recited my enchantment it eased itself up to me and relaxed in my lap. I drew a pint of ice cream from my bag and began feeding it to the creature as if it were someone feeling down after a bad break-up. With the monster safely satiated I began my moonrise ritual just in time to have the light of La Luna herself wash over me and the Muck Monster. The ritual went off without a hitch after which monster rested its bulbous snout in my lap. With my work complete I put my attention back to the monster who I am sure had been soothed by the love that I have given it. I looked into its woody eyes and could tell it wanted to return the favor of love. He left my lap and entered the water and I followed by mounting the monster. With surprising force it whisked me off my feet, skittering across the moonlit water of the marsh. I was filled with an empowering ecstasy with each bump across the surface of the water. I rode the knotted beast across the marsh for several miles back to the entrance of the mangroves.
I dismounted the Muck Monster and thanked it for its help. And I of course promised I would include its spirit in my future spells of protection. However, we had ended up next to a road with a “Caution: Muck Monster X-ing” sign nearby and it must have gotten embarrassed because it left quickly with a great splash, leaving only a marsh soaked log in its place. I knew this log was its gift to me and an everlasting mark of our connection. I decided then that I would fashion this gift into a totem to the Muck Monster as a testament to the power of self love.
The Craft
The Muck Monster wooden totem which we will be creating must be carved from logs or branches which have soaked in the Muck Monster’s magical marsh. Because of the power infused within it, this totem will act as a powerful tool for focusing you intentions during rituals and can as much as double the power of your magic. It is especially effective when dealing with magic which targets and affects the the self.
Muck Love Totem
Equipment
- Axe or large clipping shears, Handheld Set of Cutting and Carving tools
- sharp carving knives including at least a medium straight knife and a rounded or sweep gouge. (I bought my knives from Flexcut)
- Sheets of 80, 120, 220 & 400 grit sandpaper
- A pen or marker
- food safe wood finish (like a butcher block oil or beeswax finish) or mineral oil
Materials
Required
- 1 Forearm Length young green branch or a well soaked marsh branch
- 12 fl. oz. food safe wood finish (like a butcher block oil or beeswax finish) or mineral oil
- Patience
Optional
- 2 Cups Herbal Tea it's important to take breaks hun
- 5 drams Soothing Hand Balm wood can be rough
Instructions
- The first step in the process is to choose the right wood. For those new to carving, we would recommend green wood from a species that is not too hard. You will no doubt end up with aching hands regardless but there is no point making things more difficult than they need to be particularly for your first totem. With practice you can progress onto harder timber and seasoned wood.
- If possible select a branch which is relatively free of side branches and therefore knots and also has some bends which will add character to your totem. Remove the branch using a pruning cut, which will allow the tree to heal itself (diagram 1).
- Then remove a knot free section slightly longer than your forearm and about a fistful in thickness of the totem you wish to carve. The central growth ring on most woods tends to be pithy and if it forms part of your totem it can fall out leaving a hole, so to avoid this section, slice the curl. So the next step is to split the section straight down the middle. With thinner pieces use a fixed blade knife and a baton, with thicker pieces it may be necessary to use an axe or froe. You should find that the wood will split nicely exactly down the central growth ring which should be clearly visible as a darker line down the middle of each of the split halves. Make sure you split the wood the right way to maintain any desirable curves that may be present (diagram 2).
- Since my muck monster has a pointed snout and a bulbous head I’ll include these features in my final design.
- Making the revealed inner surface of the section the top surface of your personal Muck totem, mark out your design with a pencil or charcoal from the fire, making sure to leave a little bit of extra wood at the bulb end. Although many people rough out the shape of the totem with an axe we recommend removing surplus wood by creating stop cuts and then splitting or carving down to these. This method is just as quick, but less tiring and less potentially dangerous. Simply with a saw cut oblique cuts across the grain following the angle of the bulb of the spoon then with your knife and a baton split away surplus wood either side of the handle down to the stop cuts. Always leave a small margin of error as these splits do not always run true (diagram 3).
- Repeat the process to remove thickness from your totem. I like my totem girthy so I leave it at least two fingers thick. Again, making a stop cut with a saw at the underside of the back of the bulb and splitting down removing wood from underneath of the handle (diagram 4).
- Now with your knife continue to carefully and steadily shape the handle and back of the bulb of the totem. The reason for leaving additional length at the end of the totem, is to give you something to hold when trying to shape where the handle joins the stem so that you are always cutting away from yourself. When you are happy with the handle and back of the bulb (diagram 5), you can now shape the surplus wood from the tip of the snout. The prongs, horns and knots you add here will be perfect for working out your stresses with a little personal massage. (Diagram 6)
- All that’s left to do is to sand your totem. Start with a coarse grit and work through medium and eventually fine grits, stroking the idol while smoothing over any flaws. Take this moment to whisper sweet nothings to the muck monster, comfort it as if a friend after an ugly cry or after a bad breakup. Think of the ways you would like to be complimented: “i’m good enough, I’m witchy enough, people want to hear what I have to say, …” if you repeat these new mantras while using this totem the Muck monster will give you a shield to protect you from embarrassment, increase the comfort in your body and encourage self-affection.
- To finish off, give your spoon an oiling with olive oil or any other edible vegetable oil to really bring out the grain. I like to add a little essential oil before beginning any rituals. Add it to your altar for rituals of the new moon.
Notes
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